Healthy conflict is not only natural, but also a necessary part of life.  Acknowledging and accepting our differences, while validating another’s experience, can lead to deeper and more satisfying relationships with those that we love, and to more mutually respectful communications with colleagues and acquaintances.  Managing conflict effectively can be difficult and scary at times, but there are tools and skills to help us along the way.  

Conflict in our relationships can occur for a variety of reasons, and rarely, if ever, is one person “right” and one person “wrong”.  Conflict often results from miscommunication when something one person says, is misinterpreted by another.  If clarification is not sought, inaccurate messages replace true understanding, and eventually, both persons’ perceptions of the situation become skewed. 

Also, speaking of perceptions, two people can come away from the same situation with completely different views of the facts—and both are accurate, based on each person’s “reality”, or way of seeing the world!  If this isn’t confusing enough, differences in values, even when two people care deeply for each other, can result in each developing completely opposite positions that are firmly entrenched.  When this is the case, although they may agree on the problem, often people don’t agree on the solution, or how to achieve it.  

There are several strategies useful for resolving conflict, some more effective than others.  Collaborating, compromising, assenting, and avoiding, all resolve the conflict, but some at a greater cost to the relationship.  When choosing how to handle the situation, you must first decide how important the relationship is to you, and secondly, what you hope to achieve.  Understanding these two things can help you decide how to proceed, if at all. 

When the relationship is important to you and your concern for a “win/win” outcome is high, a collaborative approach works best.  This allows you to incorporate both parties’ perspectives when finding a solution.  But when your concern for the relationship and for achieving consensus is only moderately high, aiming for a compromise may be your best bet.  Here, both people get some of what they want, and no one gets everything.  On the other hand, for those times when you realize that you’ve made a mistake and come to believe that your original perspective was inaccurate, a graceful acknowledgment of your error goes a long way in building trust.  Finally, there are times when avoiding the confrontation altogether may be your best strategy.  If there is no immediate need to solve the problem, or when the issue doesn’t matter to you much, avoiding the temptation to argue over trivial matters saves your energy for positive interaction and helps you maintain your integrity and that of the relationship.  Just make sure that if you do choose to avoid conflict, you are doing so because the issue isn’t important enough, and not because you aren’t important enough!

Next time you find yourself in a conflictual situation, follow these guidelines:

• Deal with only one issue at a time and stay in the present.  Don’t recount old grievances.  
• Discuss the problem, not the person.  Each individual should state their feelings using “I” messages.  Avoid making inferences and presenting them as facts, and state feelings calmly, without emotion.  Try not to use words like “always” or “never”.
• When one person is finished presenting their perspective, the other should respond using reflective listening.  This involves summarizing what has been heard, using statements such as, “I heard you say... ”, or “It sounds as if... ”  Be sure to check for clarity of the message by asking, “Did I hear this right?”
• Discuss the situation long enough to seek and agree upon a resolution that is satisfactory enough for both parties.  Remember, compromise and collaboration result in outcomes that are “win/win”. 

Call Robin Shultz, LCSW at Quest, if you would like help in improving your communication and conflict resolution skills.