Anger is a misunderstood emotion. Most of us don’t like it when we have it, and we don’t like it when somebody else has it. We feel “out of control” or worry that there other guy is “gonna lose it.”
Remember, you have a right to be angry when your needs are not met! We all share important needs...to feel respected...to be safe...to be cared about...to have food and shelter...to have a chance to connect with people in warm relationships...to work ...to contribute...to have fun. When these needs are not met we can get very angry and it is actually appropriate. However, we must distinguish between needs and wants. Wants are driven by other things, such as a wish to control. If you want your kid to play football, and he doesn’t, this is not a need! If you want your child to make her bed every morning and she doesn’t, it may be because she is not respecting the house rules. This is not a want, but a need. Sorting this out can be tough, and as the Rolling Stones noted”you can’t always get what you want...but if you try sometimes...you just might find...you get what you need.”
So when you are angry, check to see if your wants or your needs are not being met. See if you can honor and acknowledge your needs and understand your wants.
The fact is, we never really get training in understanding and managing our feelings. Whether they are positive or negative we learn from role models and from experimentation. We often give in to the “natural urges” that accompany the feeling, like when we’re sad we just might cry. When we are happy we laugh automatically, and when we are angry we might throw something. These are primitive and powerful “urges” that are hardwired in us.
All of our emotions in their most primitive form can make trouble for us. Managing feelings requires that we get to know our feelings, understand why we have them, and then use our thinking power to decide what to do with them.
It helps to understand that all feelings have energy attached to them which is why we have the urge to cry or laugh or hit. These behaviors “spend the energy.” So when you have a feeling that can potentially ruin your relationships or embarrass you in front of the school board or in the grocery store, you have to DECIDE that you will use tactics to control yourself.
- Breathe deeply and slowly.
- Then tell yourself that this is a bad time to vent your energy.
- Distract yourself and take a break from the thing that set off the anger. AND SPEND THE ENERGY in a healthy way.
- Resist the urge to pour a martini, go shopping, go to the gambling boats or tell your mother how angry you are at your daughter. This will not help.
- Ask yourself, “In the history of the world, on a scale of 1-10, just how bad is this incident?”
- Are you still breathing?
- Do something that makes you feel good about yourself. This may be different from spending energy. Do you have a special skill or talent? Play the piano or finish a project.
- Go back to the offending person only when your energy is spent, and you have your “thinking cap” on. Speak from your own frame of reference: “I am angry because when you…, I feel…(unimportant, disrespected, hurt, ignored, etc.)” This way you will be able to problem solve and ask directly for what you need in a relatively calm voice. “So from now on when you...and I feel...I need you to……!” You fill in the blanks.
Acknowledge that you have a right to be angry and that you have a duty to your family and children to manage your anger responsibly. Model this way of approaching conflict and talk about it. This approach provides an opportunity to develop good habits for managing your own anger, and it provides your kids with a great role model!
Margie is presenting on anger management at Parent Universities in Wheaton and Hinsdale. Please call for more information. 630-544-3324 x13
